Not Good Enough

The headaches would not go away, and because I was to undergo a surgical procedure on Monday, I could not take my usual pain meds for a whole week. Plus, my eyes were recovering from cataract surgery, and my vision changed from day to day. But it was not just this past week, but the little hits came for over four weeks as I prepared to preach last Sunday evening.

Our Pastor would be on vacation, so the morning service would be conducted by a pastor/college professor member of the congregation. As I prayed for direction early on, I was lead to read the prophet Habakkuk, and selected the verses (Chap. 1:2-4) that I felt God wanted me to preach from. And Satan, that evil accuser went right to work on me.

First there were the two eye surgeries, routine in themselves (except when it’s your eyes they’re cutting on). Everything about the prep, the procedure, the eye drop regimen, and the recovery was a distraction which Satan used to keep me from preparing. Then our water heater failed, and we had a weekend of cold showers and the unexpected expense. Then my wife and I received our COVID booster and flu shots, to which my body responded with headaches, pain and nausea.

All the while Satan was whispering, “You’re not good enough, it’s been four years since you last preached. Are you sure you know what you’re doing? You won’t even be able to read the text when you’re in the pulpit.” His final assault however, came on Sunday morning. Pastor Stephen, who is a former pastor, former missionary, current college professor (Phd.), and member of our congregation, gave us an energetic deep dive into Ephesians chapter three that blew me away. I came away with new insights and greater understanding of those familiar verses. Much of what Pastor Stephen preached seemed to directly contradict what I planned to say later that same day. And Satan was right there saying, “See, I told you you’re not good enough! How can you hope to match that? You might as well go home, tear up your notes and come down with some ailment so you can skip out on this evening’ service.”

Rather than following Satan’s advice, I did what he hates; I prayed. After a lovely dinner prepared by my wife, I reviewed my notes, re-read the scriptures, and prayed that what came out of my mouth that evening would be exactly what God wanted His people to hear.

Right before the service, a couple of the elders prayed with me. The sanctuary was about half full as it usually is on Sunday evening. I stepped to the pulpit and said, “Welcome to worship at…and then I spoke the name of my former congregation instead of the current one to whom I was about to preach. There was some laughter, but because of my poor hearing, I did not know what I had said that was so funny. The lapel mic wasn’t working, so someone had to rush up to me and get it going. And all through the first hymn I was hoping the sound technician was muting me during the singing. I pretty much mumbled through a much loved hymn. My voice strengthened though, through the call to worship, the invocation, the greeting, “Grace to you and peace from God the Father and our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ”.

Now it was time to preach. I began by acknowledging how blown away I was by the morning sermon, and I pointed out that that sermon and mine were addressing two separate realities of the faith. Then this eighty-year-old high school graduate layman opened his mouth and the Holy Spirit took over. My voice was strong and clear, the scripture and my text were in perfect harmony, the little adjustments and additions that always occur came smoothly. Watching the faces of the congregation, I saw some smiles, some nodding of heads.

Only later did I realize I had not used my reading glasses, yet I was able to read the scripture and my notes clearly. I was overwhelmed with relief and gratitude. Satan was nowhere to be found. God is always and only good! God will always accomplish what He sets out to do. I know I’m not good enough, but God works out his purposes using jars of clay like me. SDG

6 thoughts on “Not Good Enough”

  1. Wow! How convicting your post is! How often I’ve felt myself in the same boat and wondering if I’m the only one who experiences such attacks of Satan through doubt and distractions. It seems as though every time I’m to speak in a Sunday school class or our Christian school’s chapel program, our pastor preaches the week before on the same text I have spent weeks working on, or Satan puts some seeming insurmountable obstacle in my path. I always get very nervous just before I’m to speak (only compounded if I have to wait through announcements, etc.). And I always feel as though others could do much better than I. Yet, once I’ve begun, He somehow calms those nerves and allows me to speak, although not always without problems. For example, I spoke in chapel this morning, and Satan’s attack was to set me to coughing, trying to speak through it (hoping it would get better), and coughing yet again. Drank water, took a cough drop. Kept going. But somehow, the Lord always seems to use it in some way I never expected or foresaw. It’s good to know that I’m not the only one who experiences such things. It certainly tries and grows our faith! It’s even better knowing that God uses our feeble human efforts to work His will in the people He’s trying to reach, even if it’s just one person.

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  3. A tough yet great testimony Robert. I have experienced all of the above. Somehow, I never pray for it to happen again that way. Yet, the Lord does not seem to mind us failing on our part till we completely trust him and commit our very words to Him….I also think He doesn’t let me ruin things

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  6. Love this 🙂 And your ultimate dependence and trust in our Lord and Savior. Of course He spoke through you! You are His masterpiece kind sir.

    The evil one whispers in my ear every day. And for many years I’ve allowed him to cause enough self-doubt for so long that I’ve not performed my given tasks, lest they be imperfect.

    Charles Stanley said, “Perfectionism breeds procrastination.” Wow. Such a profound truth in my life. Performance-driven to a fault, I am. Not sure why, but I AM sure it’s what has caused me enough self-doubt to immobilize me for the better part of my life.

    I am making up for it now. On January 4th, after the chaos of the holidays, my sister’s 80th birthday on 1/1, and my daughter’s departure to her home, I sat down amongst the Christmas mess to get caught up with my Bible-in-a-year plan before I began to declutter.

    God nudged me that morning. He told me to start sharing this plan with my Facebook group entitled God Loves Bad Girls, Too! (same as my blog) I knew that if I started I would have to fulfill the commitment. When you speak it, and share it, you’re committed for real. It scared me.

    But I started. I covered the entire book of Genesis, summarizing every chapter, deep-diving into every entry of my Life Application Study Bible.

    Oh. My. Goodness! 

    Teaching is learning. I am writing to a mixed audience. Many are lukewarm Christians, some are non-believers, and some are Bible scholars. My language is aimed at the first two sets of readers, so I am defining Hebrew words, explaining things as if the Bible is a foreign language – as it is to many in those first two groups. And boy, I am loving it. I have spent the past few weeks writing and researching four to six hours every day! I am obsessed, and loving it.

    If you’re on Facebook Robert, check it out! I would love your input on this project of mine.

    I won’t be as detailed with every book of the Bible as I was with Genesis, but I felt I had to because people disregard the Old Testament as if it’s irrelevant. This is just not true, as we know. Especially the 2500 years covered in Genesis!! The history of our civilization!!

    Below is the link for my group if you, or anyone else who sees this, wants to join. Nobody comments. They just see it. Once in a while I’ll get a thumbs up, from my tenth grade Jesus Freak health teacher that introduced me to Jesus in 1972. I love that we are in touch. Definitely a God thing there. Another story…but I have work to do so I must stop here.

    Thank you for being the conduit that you are Robert.

    Peace in Christ!

    https://www.facebook.com/groups/596255577680060/

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