It was just a passing remark, a simple comment involving someone I love. But the old fear came back with a power I couldn’t control. My mind rushed down an old familiar dark hole, where nothing good ever happens. My stomach churned; my core began to contract. Arms and legs grew weak even though I was sitting down. My face felt hot and my heart rate increased. The grip of fear and anxiety was total.

It had been a long time since I felt this way. Maybe fifteen years ago or so, I talked with my doctor about these episodes. He eventually prescribed a mild antidepressant that I’ve been taking ever since. I didn’t want to take it, but it helped to nearly eliminate these frightening panics.

But this time the darkness grew worse. Awful things might be happening to my loved one; terrible scenarios raced through my brain. My body and mind were screaming to DO SOMETHING! But all of this was a product of my imagination; unfocused fear about an imagined situation about which I could do nothing.

Afterward, when I told my wife about this panic attack, she asked why I didn’t take an extra dose of my meds. At the time, the thought never occurred to me, and if it had, I would not have taken the drug. Also, there is a full wine rack in the basement. I did not seek that “remedy” either. Wine is a gift; not a crutch.

Instead I prayed. Not the usual orderly prayer when I meet with my Father in the morning. No, I cried out, “Please make this stop!” Incomplete sentences poured out, interspersed with periods of silence and heavy breathing. “Lord, I know you love my loved one more than I am capable of loving. I know that you are good, always good. I know that you are Sovereign over all things. So please help me now. Make this fear go away. Help me to trust You.”

Now maybe you’re expecting me to tell you about the “peaceful, easy feeling” that came over me; how angels stooped to minister to my fevered brow. That did not happen. What did happen is that the fear did not get worse. What happened is that I thought of a favorite verse of mine:

Romans 8:26 (ESV) Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.

Yeah, groanings. Inarticulate, desperate, pleading for aid. That’s all I could do.

A few hours later, my loved one called and talked to my wife.  My heart rate went down; my breathing returned to normal. I said a prayer of thanks to my very good Father in heaven. Then I sat in my recliner in the office/spare bedroom/study, and with my evening glass of wine in hand, opened my Bible to read more of the wonderful promises of God…

Psalms 103:8-12 (ESV) The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.